When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks! What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist! Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

Woody Allen: his 40 best one-liners

Released at a time when cylinder recordings were at their apex, Williams became widely known for the song, and he was forced to sing it at essentially every appearance he made, for the rest of his life. Last night de vind came unt blew down de shutter outside mine house, and I vant you to send a car-pen-ter — a carp. Oh, never mind, I’ll have it fixed myself.

Developed in England by Joe Hayman, the definitive Jewish vaudeville monologue became bigger than any one comedian as it grew into a sensation stateside when American comedians like Barney Bernard, George L.

He did everything on his own.

Well, maybe except really funny short jokes. Reading some good jokes can kick your day off with a laugh and a smile, and why not do just that? To help you we have made a compilation of some of the best of the great jokes and funny one line jokes that we know – on all sorts of topics from short funny jokes to great jokes about countries to dating jokes to jokes about alcohol and much more. To kick off the page, we present: The Jewish Samurai – In days long past, a Chinese emperor needed a new samurai to be his personal bodyguard.

He sent out a message to all the lands summoning the best warriors to his court in three years time. The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors present themselves. The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half.

The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward.

TOP 100 funniest one-liners on the internet!

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Comedian Jokes Eric Morecambe Stand Up Jokes “My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden. Then my eyes went bad. That’s why I became a referee” “Life isn’t Hollywood. Life is Cricklewood” “I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup” “Sometimes it worries me.

I feel something’s got to give.

Dating Jokes

What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q:

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried. If ignorance is bliss, I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? No one ever says, “It’s only a game. I still miss my ex. A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!

Clam Jokes

Clean short funny jokes Funny one line jokes about dating, relationships and marriage to make you smile. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! Marriage is give and take. My wife and I always compromise. How do most men define marriage?

Finding a box of tissues next to it.

Our aim here is simple. We want you to have fun. So prepare yourself to be wonderfully entertained with this big, varied and hilariously funny collection of short funny jokes. On this humorous journey we will take you to the land of funny jokes of alcohol, through the kingdom of jokes about men and women, into the valley of short hilarious jokes and funny phrases where we will visit the famous sight of the Monty Python Sketch guided by our very own John Cleese and Michael Palin and in the end when we’re all tired and probably will need to rest we plan to stay at the funny old people jokes inn called over the hills jokes.

Ok, fasten your seatbelt and let’s begin this journey of really funny jokes Fields once indignantly asked:

Dirty One Liner Jokes

Whether you got a lot or not dates , you’ll get some grins. Links to lots more dating humor at the bottom. Share your own jokes and feedback in the Comment box. I just need to stop dating losers.

Why did the snowman smile?

The 60 funniest one-liners from the 2017 Edinburgh Fringe

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Funny one line jokes

How do you stop a clown from smiling?

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